I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!