I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah