@thesulk: "I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losin' control." Buddy, you got stomach flu.
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@ibid78: "So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?" *imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms* "I'm a people person."
@panmidwest: [pulled over] ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line ME: [exhale] thank God…
@carlyken: *walks into work 20 minutes late* *boss glares at me* "Sorry. Traffic." *boss gestures to my Starbucks cup* "Oh this? I found it."