I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol