@JermHimselfish: I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they're in my house, they're everywhere, please come get your snake.
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@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.
@briancthayer: [Halloween] Lady: what are you this this year? Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm. Lady: *faints*
@SenatorBigfoot: "How's Mason doing?" Ugh, he's going through this emu kid phase. "Don't you mean emo kid?" *boy covered in feathers runs past* I wish.
@abhorrent_wife: Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.