I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
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My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated