I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
You Might Also Like
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
is nasa ok