@KentWGraham: I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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@RorynotRoy: You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
@HatfieldAnne: Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They're asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.
@BrianIncognito: My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
@LaetPO: Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.