I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”