[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
You Might Also Like
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.