“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Smooooooth
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.