I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A