8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”