I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.