I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*