I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You Might Also Like
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.