@TySmithdrums: I got hit by a car today, guys. Don't worry. I'm okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.
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@Douchekevin: Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.
@70Ceeks: son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said "and here's the liar in her natural habitat"
@joshgondelman: I'd have more sympathy for Sony's alleged loss of $200 million if that weren't the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.