I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.