“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
From my Mom
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Nomnomnomnom
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.