@j0eg0d: I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.
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@RafaelaStoakes: Iron Man Iron Man Does whatever an iron can Makes stuff hot Makes stuff flat Burns your hand Burns the cat Burns the house down . . Shit!
@TheAlexP: [at bank] Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
@greggjgc79: [catches your phone before it hits the ground] Whew, that was close! [smashes your phone against the wall] See, that could have happened.
@Tmoney68: Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.