I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?