WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
The USS B port
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill