I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.