“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
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[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
This kid will have a bright future.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
TODAY
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion