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I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin