@Voiceofgarth: I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign "Stroke Patients Here" meant something different.
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@AimeeHelene1: *walks into door on street, looks around* Whew...no one saw me... One year later... *watching TV* *sees self on Funniest Videos*
@mjkspeaks: [interview] THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it? ME: thank you.
@philyuck: Dominos dropped the “pizza” from its name because they’re not legally allowed to call that pizza.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Let's go outside. 3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me. Wife: Deer don't eat people 3: The zombie ones do Wife: Get your dad. Now.