Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Weirdos gonna weird.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding