My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Just as the prophecy foretold
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.