*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions