I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.