@kathybotteas: I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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@hardlyrelevant: (interview for construction job) Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs? Me: (proudly) Didn't even have to look at the instructions
@thatUPSdude: Me: Want some of my nachos? Coworker: I don't like nachos. Me: Hello 911, what's consider premeditated murder?
@Cheeseboy22: I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.