I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
March 16
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
🤣could you imagine
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Mornin
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
relationship goals
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
is it earth
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it