I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.