@HeyZeus666: I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
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@Try2StopME: My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
@Vodkantots: I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.
@SeanINCypress: Bad news is I'm not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.
@bridger_w: When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"