@HeyZeus666: I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
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@Swishergirl24: When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there's not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word "literally"
@weinerdog4life: Me: nice car Friend: yeah 400 horsepower Me: that's like 7000 ducks Friend: what Me: what
@daplusk: [on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
@ValeeGrrl: What I say: Get dressed Brush teeth Get in the car What my kids hear: Have a snack Shriek like monkeys Open 3 umbrellas indoors Go poop