@HeyZeus666: I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
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@AsgardianRose: The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
@jwomackou: [spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
@QwertyJones3: [doctor hooking wires to my chest] ME: What are you doing? DOC: Echocardiogram ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
@HeyZeus666: I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.