Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“i am a sweet baby”