I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
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I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park