Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes