I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
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If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
This is me
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now