@polyhumorous: I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he's still wondering what the hell happened.
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@Playing_Dad: Welcome to passive aggressive club. We're so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we'll wait.
@jergarl: Wife: Were you drunk last night? Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why? W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos M: Ohhh
@AntozWolf: I ask myself, "How did I get here?," I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.
@finkelsteino: Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he's in there the more powerful he'll become.