I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
The sacred texts.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.