I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
They got a point!
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs