I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
How your email finds me
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Siri, fight Alexa.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.