I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
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i now pronounce you bounced.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”