I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
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Lol
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
This kid is a star!
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]