I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one