I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
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Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.