I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
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my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
courtroom exchange of the day
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.