I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Just me and my debit card against the world
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*