I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.