I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My dad is at it again
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter