I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
went fishing caught a bass
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist