@AKcrazy18: I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"
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@markydoodoo: It's hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
@yassinovic89: Gf: am I pretty or ugly? Bf: you're both hun :) Gf: what do you mean both? Bf: you're pretty ugly.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they're so cute. Me: These ugly Sketchers I'm wearing have insides made out of memory foam.
@TheRealNickKay: WIFE: I can't believe you ruined my birthday yesterday ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn't even know it was your birthday