I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Husband of the year 😂
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year