I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator