My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers