I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
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