“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
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H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.