ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN