People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
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my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I’m not stressed
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.